I would be a lot more distressed by this news if I had not just read this wonderfully satirical piece, complete with rudimentary illustrations, which constitutes a brilliant and positively-charged smack in the face to people who can’t be bothered to spell and punctuate correctly.  I am tempted to reproduce one of the hysterical drawings here (I’m a teacher, so I’m allowed) but it’s really much funnier if you read the whole series.

Could I get away with using this in the classroom?  Probably not — besides the alcohol references and insensitivity to the disabled, I don’t think the kids would get the subtle mix of highbrow and lowbrow humor.  But it did make my week, and for the first week of school, that’s no small feat.

Three cheers for local news!

“Whenever the holidays coincide with lean economic times, visions of handicrafts begin to dance in my head.” (The Wall Street Journal, December 19)

“Even in hard economic times, sport continues to be big business.” (The New York Times, December 21)

“School officials have said the fee is a necessary alternative during tough economic times to cutting sports programs.” (Chicago Tribune, December 22)

While these sentences are all erroneous, most offensive to me is the phrase “these economic times,” which can be found in all three of the above sources — and in hundreds of other places.  The problem is that “economic” is not a charged word; it simply refers to the sphere of economics.  So, in that sense, all times are economic times.  The proper construction is “economically ____ times,” where the blank would reflect either something good (prosperous, optimistic) or bad (difficult, challenging.)

When in doubt, just say what you mean; don’t try to make it sound pretty.  Directness is its own eloquence.

So this lady mentioned needing an editor, and Rob mentioned he had a wife who kindly corrected his grammar in every turn.  (Just then his phone rang; it was me, sending him a text that read, “at every turn, honey.  Love you!”)  So, after that, she had no choice but to call me.

It’s tough to edit your peers’ work.  It’s much easier to edit your students’.  As a teacher, I can be firm, unyielding, even a bit harsh, and the students understand it’s for their own good.  But for someone your age — or, in this case, someone twice my age — it’s trickier, especially when it comes to style.  I don’t want to invade too much of what is really a very personal project.  I’m nervous (especially about learning a THIRD style of citations — I used MLA in high school and college, have been forced to learn APA for grad school, and now will have to become fluent in Chicago / Turabian as well.)  She has a lot of confidence in me, which makes me twice as nervous.  I hope I’m up to the task!

1. Totally missed the subject-verb disagreement.  Forgot to trim the sentence, something for which I would lambast my students: if you cross out all the interrupters, prepositional phrases and modifiers, the subject and verb practically jump into your lap.  I didn’t see it.

2. Correct.

3. Technically, there’s nothing wrong with this one except that the author meant “ensure.”  I actually thought “insure” made sense, though.  I don’t know much about cars, but I would guess car manufacturers must have some sort of policy to protect themselves from lawsuits.  However, I’m not going to argue the point.  It’s just one point.  Another mantra from me to my students.  “But Mrs. LOWE!  That’s so unFAIR!”

4. Not anything technically wrong with this one, either.  “On the lam” is an accepted colloquialism.  I’d allow it in a paper unless it was the Harvard Law Review or something.  But I’m not going to argue.  The Times is the Times.

5. Correct.

6. “Who” vs. “Whom” is tricky for me.  I think the real trouble is that I trust the Times.  If they said “Whom,” it must be right.  Even when I know I’m looking for an error, I guess!

7. Correct.

8. Correct.  “Number” vs. “Amount” is one of my pet peeves.  As is “Less” vs. “Fewer.”  Next time you see a “10 Items or Less” sign, you tell them Emily says to watch their backs.

Is there a nonchalant way to slip a link to one of her posts into an e-mail?  I often wonder how I might politely correct someone without causing offense; I don’t like seeming like a know-it-all, but I also hate to see my loved ones embarrassing themselves when they are nauseated (feeling sick) but say they are nauseous (causing others to feel sick.)  I’ve thought of saying pertly, “Oh, you’re not nauseous to me.”  Unless they’ve continued by saying, “I think I’m going to lay down for awhile,” in which case I might start to look a little peaked.

Yes, I know that most people will not realize your error.  But there’s always the chance an English major may be listening; there are a lot (not alot) of us.  And between you and me (not I,) if your e-mails begin without a proper greeting*and are peppered with unnecessary . . . ellipses . . . and apostrophe’s, you might be losing business as well as respect.  Call it tough love.  Someday you’ll thank me.

*Boo to “widespread to the point of becoming acceptable!”

My dad got an e-mail this morning that proclaimed the sender was “feverously” working to get something in on time.

Then one of my students, writing about the Heene hoax, mentioned that the balloon “supposively” landed with the boy inside.

Of course, no one can beat the Master of Invention at this game.  But it’s fun to play, anyway.  You must have one or two from your private collection!  Do tell.

1) Whatever. Recently, I’ve heard people using this twice in a row, as a substitute for et cetera, which is even more annoying.  As in, “He was all annoyed with me, but I was all, okay, get over it, whatever whatever.”

2) You know. I use this pretty frequently, I have to admit, but only in sincerity.  I say it to my students a lot when they’re starting to get that glazed look.  I usually expand it to “D’you know what I mean?”  And they nod earnestly and then proceed to do the assignment completely wrong.

3) It is what it is. This is either so obvious it’s brilliant or so obvious it’s not worth saying.  I tend to lean toward the latter.  It’s a little like saying “Now, then,” only redundant as opposed to contradictory.

4) Anyway. I don’t like that this word is on the list.  In this English teacher’s opinion, “anyway” is a legitimate space-filler.  What would you rather I use?  The French “Euhhhhh . . . “?

5) At the end of the day. I don’t love this one, but it strikes me as something that would be annoying only if overused.  I had a boss who used to say “a whole different animal” a lot, and it made me hate the phrase even though it’s pretty innocuous in and of itself.

The disappointing part?  The college students who conducted this poll were also the ones who came up with the words.  I think they should have allowed write-in votes.  Mine would be “sit down.”  As in, “We should really sit down and talk about this.”  I appreciate the connotation of thoughtful consideration, but there is NO REASON that sitting down will actually help matters (unless you believe Bill Cosby, of course.)

Okay.  Any votes for mine?  What else did these, you know, college kids miss?

• Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss.  It’s pithy and acerbic in the way only the British can be.  There’s also a children’s version — funny enough to be enjoyable and educational enough for me to plug it here.

• Phonetic Punctuation by Victor Borge.  We cannot be friends unless you have seen this.

• The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks. Complete with helpful rules for proper quotation mark usage.  And I am NOT bitter just because she didn’t use the only photo I sent in.  I’m not bitter, because I’m posting it myself!

Playing the part of Vanna with deftness: Fr. Gregory Harrigle.

May your day be free of comma splices!

SEND YOUR NAME, ADDRESS, TEL, TO COLLECT  750,000 POUNDS WHICH WAS GIVEN TO YOU IN OUR TOYOTA PRODUCT PROMO.

So, being the helpful citizen that I am, I decided to write back.  I mean, really.  The poor guy (or girl) couldn’t even write a convincing scam letter.

Dear Toyota.UK3,

Thank you for your recent e-mail, which I filed in my “How Stupid Do You Think I Am?” folder.  As an English teacher, I think I can help you be more effective in future scam attempts.  Read on:

1) Know your audience.  When attempting to scam English teachers, avoid the passive voice.  It sounds more personal, anyway, to say “We’re giving you money.”  When targeting Americans, use the more accessible “DOLLARS” instead of “POUNDS.”  Most Americans are very image-conscious, and the thought of collecting pounds makes them feel fat, not rich.

2) Make an attempt to address the person more specifically.  A name is best.  “Dear Valued Customer” will do in a pinch.  No greeting at all seems a little suspicious, not to mention just plain lazy.  How do you expect to make any money this way?

3) Abbreviations are unprofessional.  “TEL”? “PROMO”?  Like I said, lazy.  If you were really dedicated to scamming, those extra letters would be a sheer pleasure for you to type.  If you’re not dedicated, perhaps another career path would suit you better.  The Motor Vehicle Administration of Maryland, for instance, specializes in hiring associates with exactly your level of experience and dedication.

4) Rethink your premise a little.  Toyota might be giving away free USB drives, chip clips (you’d call them “crisp clips”) or even an environmentally-friendly Prius.  But 750,000 pounds?  With no accompanying explanation?  Even the most desperate debtor would probably be dubious about such an offer.

5) LEAVE CAPS LOCK OFF.  It makes people think you’re shouting at them, which makes them a little bristly and even less likely to suspend disbelief for long enough to send you their “NAME, ADDRESS, TEL.”  Unless, of course, you’re attempting to evoke the image of a low-budget car commercial, whose windblown speaker is shouting at the top of his lungs.  In which case, I admire your subtlety, but it may be misplaced in such a forum.

I could say more, but I don’t want you to think I’m picking on you.  I understand that you’re just trying to make a dishonest living.  For future tips, please refer to the Chicago Manual of Style, which is available online to paid subscribers.  Hey, maybe you could wrestle a free pass out of them if you get good enough at this gig.  Here’s hoping.

Sincerely,
Emily Lowe